You have taken the first step to getting better! Congratulations! Asking this question and writing these details is the first step, and it’s a huge one.
Thank you for trusting us enough to share your situation with us now just like you did in this previous question. Like I told you in that previous question, I am a person who lives with bipolar disorder just like you. I understand how awful this disease is.
I am also now working in mental health, so I know a little about this disease. Bipolar depression is not the same as other types of depression. My doctors have told me, and I have read in the literature that it does not react to antidepressants the same way other types of depression do. That probably sounds very discouraging. I’m sorry.
We who live with bipolar disorder need mood stabilizers to limit the effects of both the lows and the highs. I am not a doctor, but if I were you, I would immediately start taking the full dose of Topamax that you said in the previous question you were titrating down from.
Next, and this is important, call your psychiatrist, explain you are in crisis, and that you need to get an appointment ASAP. When you see the doctor, tell them you want to talk about alternatives for Topamax.
Finally, tell your husband. I know it’s hard. I know you don’t want to be sick. I know you want to be well. I really do know. He wants you to be well, too. Tell him.
I wish you all the luck with getting out of the black pit of despair. I know how awful it is. I’ve been there. You can get out. I promise. I got out. It’s not easy, but it can be done.
Do just one more thing to help yourself get better. Tell your husband. You don’t have to do anything else. Fuck the messy bed and house. Forget it for now. Forget how you look. Just tell your husband you’re hurting.