That’s an interesting question. I’ve worked hard at this over the last three years or so. Staying calm used to be relatively easy for me, but legitimate concerns about different loved ones along with grief and outside stressors have made it more of a challenge.
I think many attempts at self-soothing are subconscious. Sighing, stressed yawns, curling up, kneading one’s lips, withdrawing. I believe I do all of those. Sometimes I massage my own head. I tap my feet when I’m stressed, but I don’t think that soothes me.
More consciously, I sit down with a calming distraction and a hot drink or something sweet. I do mindfulness techniques such as noticing how gravity grounds me and feeling the movement of my own breathing. I find five things to see, four to hear, three to feel, two to smell and one to taste. I put some lavendar oil on my wrists or smell flowers and herbs from the garden. Walks help a lot, especially when I can be in the forest. Sometimes I take a moment to notice that I need to take care of myself before worrying about anyone else. And I make it impossible to act on repetitive instincts like checking my phone for new input, usually by simply turning it off and putting it away. For anxiety, I use the ABCDE technique to dispute catastrophizing thought processes. And when I feel tired, I listen to a guided meditation. My current favourite is a “loving kindness” meditation because I’m definitely at my best when I let go of anger.
I wish calming techniques were a part of the school curriculum. Everyone should know how to get back to a healthier state of mind. Teaching children how to do this would have the great benefit of implementing good habits before bad ones can develop, making the process automatic and very reliable. In addition, people who know about compassionate ways of helping others feel better can resist the temptation of giving unfortunate advice meant to remove feelings of anger and sadness instead of accepting them.