When I was a kid, my parents went off and left me at the beach once. I asked a cop to help me find them, he told me I don’t know kid, there’s so many places they could hide.
A manic depressive is a driver with a lead foot.
Domestic battery is a “D” cell for flashlights.
Antimony: What one metal pays another after the divorce.
Eczema: A medicated facial cleansing cream.
Fringed benefit: sex.
Condiments: Make condoms smell good.
Mani-pedi: A new fangled type of macaroni.
Incest: Sex with bugs.
Autistic: Paints pretty pictures.
Vaginal discharge: The firing of a zip gun from a hidden location.
Asteroid: A type of medicine that is injected into the glutes to make them bigger, stronger.
Condominium: A very small condom.
Bi-polar disorder: Name of a problem some people have who can’t decide if they want to go North or South.
Marital affairs: Military business.
Extramarital affairs: Special military force’s business.
Homily: Grits.
Bigotries: Big trees.
Hysterectomy: The removal of history from certain subjects.
Rheumatologist : Landlord.
And finally:
Instinct: Having been sprayed by a skunk.
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedrical ball
The cube of its weight
Times four fifths of five eighths
Was two fifths of five ninths of f$%^& all.
There was a young chaplain from Kings,
Who talked about God and such things.
But his real desire
was a boy in the choir,
with a bottom like jelly on springs.
I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She told me she would take half the money, and leave me. I told her, well I won $12.00, here’s your $6.00. Stay in touch.
The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”. I whispered back, “Well, at least I didn’t lose my Golden Fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia”.
I arrived at the restaurant a little earlier than my reservation time. The manager said, “We’re really busy right now, would mind waiting a bit?” I replied, “Well sure”. He hands me two plates, and tells me to take them over to Table Nine.