## General Question

#### Ready to tell some jokes?

Asked by Knotmyday (7516) October 16th, 2008
103 responses

Panda walks into a bar, tells the bartender “Make me a sandwich!”
The bartender thinks “Hey, a talking panda! Better make him a sandwich…”
The panda eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the patron sitting next to him.
“What did you do that for?!!” the bartender yells.
The panda yells over his shoulder as he walks out, “I’m a panda! Look it up!”
The bartender thinks “A panda? Look it up?”
He pulls out a dictionary and reads: Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

Did I mention they don’t have to be good?

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Knotmyday, the first time I heard that joke I was eight years old. I’m serious. It was definitely a koala though.

Okay, I’ve got one:

¿Qué hace el pez todo el día?

¡Ja ja ja ja ja! Pretty much my favorite joke!

La_chica_gomela (12574)

A mountain walks into a bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender turns his back, the whole place starts shaking. Glass and bottles are falling all over the place. The bartender points to the mountain and says “You! Get outta my bar!”
The mountain, startled, says, “What? It’s not my fault!”

Ho ho ho he he he ha ha ha.

Wait wait. I have an even better one:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street when they see a differential operator coming towards them. “Oh no!” yells the constant. “Hide me! If I run into him, he’ll reduce me to nothing!” But e^x just laughs and says, “Whatever, dude. I’m e^x. He can’t do anything to me.” The differential operator smiles and says, “How’s it going, guys? I’m dx/dy.”

Les (10005)

You guys rock! No geologic pun intended.

Knotmyday (7516)

No you rock, Knotmyday, GQ!

(i don’t see what’s funny about the second one? Is it because dx/dy rhymes with guys? Because didn’t we already know from the beginning that the differential operator was going to be something like dx/dy or f ’ (x)?)

It does make me think of my favorite pick-up line though!

You walk up to a hot girl and say, “Hey baby. Can I be your derivative? Because I’d love to lie tangent to your curves!”

La_chica_gomela (12574)

Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
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what did the fish say when he swam into the the wall?
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Dam

Oh, I have another one:

What does one wall say to the other wall?

I’ll meet you at the corner!

La_chica_gomela (12574)

A 10 year old walks into a whore house dragging a dead dog behind him on a leash, and walks up to the front counter and says “excuse me, id like a hooker with syphilis” The lady behind the counter says “we dont have any hookers with syphilis here” The kid throws 50 bucks on the counter and repeats “id like a hooker with syphilis” lady replies “Kid we dont have any hookers with syphilis” The kid throws down 100 on the counter “I WANT a hooker with syphilis” the lady says“Kid we dont have any fucking hookers with syphilis thats just wrong and we are a clean establishment” The kid gets mad and throws down 200 dollars“I WANT A FUCKING HOOKER WITH SYPHILIS RIGHT NOW” The lady says “fine, third door on the left”

The kid goes into the room and does his thing and comes out but before he leaves the lady asks “why in the world would a young kid such as yourself want a hooker with syphilis” The kid says “well when i go home im going to go lay in bed with my dad and give him syphilis while hes sleeping, and im going to give him syphilis, then daddy is going to have sex with my mom, she’ll get syphilis, then when my dad goes to work the postman is going to come by, my mom will invite him into the house and then hes going to get syphilis, and you know what….THATS THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO HIT MY DOG”
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A priest is walking downtown and passes by a hooker, who says, “50 bucks for head.” Being a man of God, the priest has no idea what she is talking about and continues on his way.
That night at the convent the priest is talking about his day with a nun. He asks, “What is head?” The nun replies, “50 bucks, just like downtown”
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A ninety year old lady goes to her gynecologist and says Dr im still a virgin, and i have crabs. The doctor takes a look at her and says “Look i doubt your still a virgin at ninety and if you are, i highly doubt you have crabs, but hop up in the chair and we’ll have a look”
The lady gets in the chair and the Dr takes a look and then says “wow im surprised, you are indeed a virgin, but their not crabs, they’re fruit flews, your cherry rotted.”

Now, “fruit flews” did make me laugh.

gailcalled (54644)

Guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall – “FREE BEER FOR A YEAR IF YOU CAN PASS THE TEST”.

Guy says “Hey bartender! What’s THE TEST”

Bartender says, “Well first ya gotta drink down this here pickle jar fulla whiskey. Next, there’s a mean ol’ alligator with a bad tooth in the back room. Ya gotta pull it. Lastly, there’s an 84 year old lady upstairs – ain’t never had an orgasm. Y’all gotta take care of that.”

The guy initially turns down THE TEST but after an hour if drinking says, “Ya know what?! I’ll give it a try!”

“Yeah!” the crowd at the bar cheers as the guy raises the pickle jar and chugs. “Go, go, go!”, they chant.

Next the guy stumbles toward the back room, kicks open the door and enters. The crockadile growls at the guy. As the door shuts behind him the bar falls quiet. After a few minutes of silence, a mighty roar erupts from the back room.

The guy emerges from the back room, torn and bloody. “Awright”, he says, “Now where’s that old lady with the bad tooth?!”

wow how did i type fruit flews i meant flies. i fail at jokes

uber, try to think of it as a ‘double joke’ – see? you didn’t just tell a joke, you told two jokes, but one of them may have been only funny to gail… ;)

La_chica_gomela (12574)

@Uber; and two people other than moi thought it was funny as written.

gailcalled (54644)

Whats the first derivative of a cow?
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Prime Rib

@lachica: My dx/dy joke is funny because using that notation means you are taking the derivative with respect to ‘y’ (not x). The constant will still be reduced to nothing, but now so will e^x, because dx/dy of e^x is 0 (and it serves him right, the snotty little e^x).

Les (10005)

A drum set fell off a cliff.

@uber: I was hoping “Buddum, ch!” would translate via the tubes of the internet. After typing it out I thought it looked kinda strange, but how else would you spell it?

Les (10005)

i didnt tell that joke until now because i didnt know how to type it out either LOL

Have you ever seen a picture of Helen Kellers father?
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Yea she hasnt either.
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Helen Keller fell into a well, she was screaming her hands off.

Cardinal Spellman was walking down the street in the morning sun. Waaaaay down the sidewalk he saw a little boy buying a little bit of popcorn. How nice, he thought to himself as he continued swaying down the street with his nice long red dress on. As he approached the little boy, he saw that a lot of NY City pigeons were flocking around that nice popcorn, and that the little boy was trying to wave them off. The cardinal approached nearer, hurrying slightly, and was disturbed to hear the little boy crying “Fuck off, you pigeons, fuck off!!” Now he really hurried, hampered slightly by his big red dress. He rushed up to the little boy and said, breathlessly but with gentle sincerity, “My son!! The pigeons are our brothers!! Don’t speak to them in that way!! Say to them: shoo! shoo! I promise you, my child:
they’ll fuck off.”

susanc (16139)

Les, I get it now! And I totally got t he badum chhh

Uber, your last joke would be a lot funnier if Helen Keller didn’t know how to talk…

La_chica_gomela (12574)

@la chica gomela she didnt know how to talk prior to Annie Sullivan teaching her correct?

LOL, she didn’t know how to sign then either tho…

La_chica_gomela (12574)

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and bets the bartender the price of the drink he can bite his left eye. the bartender takes the bet, and the guy takes out his glass eye, bites it and puts it back. The bartender gets mad, so the guy says “Ok double or nothing, I can bite my right eye”. The bartender thinks for a minute, and decides the guy isn’t blind and there is no way he could have 2 glass eyes, since he walked in just fine, so he takes the second bet.

The guy takes his false teeth out, bites the other eye, and puts them back. The bartender is really mad now because he was fooled twice and tells they guy to leave him alone, so he goes to the other end of the bar for ahwile. After about an hour, the guy comes back up to the bartender and says he feels bad that he ripped him off, so he will give him one more chance on a final bet.

He bets \$100.00 that he can stand on top of the bar and pee in a shot glass, filling it to the line and not getting anything anywhere else. The bartender thinks about how impossible that seems, so he takes the bet. The guy gets up on the bar and pees all over the bar, the back of the bar, the bartender, and never even hits the shot glass. The bartender laughs his ass off while he collects his winnings from the guy. Finally he has won!!

All of a sudden, the man from the other end of the bar storms up angry, slams a wad of money on the bar and leaves. The bartender looks stunned, stops laughing and asked the guy what that was all about.

The guy says “I just bet that guy \$500.00 I could piss all over you and your bar and have you laugh about it.”

scamp (13149)

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on the barstool and asks the bartender, Got any grapes?
No, says the bartender, this is a bar, not a grocery store.
The duck hops down and leaves.
The next day the duck walks in, hops up on the barstool and asks, Got any grapes?
I said we don’t have grapes, says the bartender. Please don’t ask me that again.
The duck hops down and leaves.
Then next day the duck walks in, hops up on the barstool and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender says, I told you not to ask me that any more. If you
come in here again and ask me for grapes, I’ll nail your beak to the bar.
The duck hops down and leaves.
The next day the duck walks in and hops up on the barstool. The bartender, enraged, asks him, What do YOU want?
The duck says, Got any nails?
Nails? says the bartender. No, I don’t have any nails.
The duck says, Got any grapes?

susanc (16139)

knock knock

whose there

little boy blue

little boy blue who

michael jackson

Mtl_zack (6778)

An old Jewish lady decides to make the long pilgrimage to India to see the guru.
She arrives in his small village and gets in a very long line to see him.
She waits all day.

When she gets toward the front of the line, the attendant says to her, “As you can see, we are very busy. We only permit each person 3 words with the guru.”

Finally it is her turn. The old lady says to the guru: “STANLEY, COME HOME!”
______________

The average life expectancy of churchgoers is 83.
The average life expectancy of non-churchgoers is 75.

Ever think about why that is?

The reason: If you can get through church, you can get through anything!

Trustinglife (6668)

Guy sits down at a bar feeling a little glum.

Bartender says,“How about some music?” and places a small piano on the bar. He then reaches behind the bar and produces a little guy dressed in a tuxedo. This little guy promptly walks accross the bar, sits down at the little piano, and begins to play the most beautiful music you ever heard.

“Tha-That’s amazing!” stammers the no-longer-glum patron, “Where did you get him?!”

“Ah…I’d rather not say.” dodges the bartender, but the patron insists until the bartender relents and pulls a golden lamp from behind the bar.

“Oh my god!” exclaims the patron, “A magic lamp! That could solve all my problems. Lemme see…” And the patron grabs the lamp away from the bartender and begins to rub it furiously, “I want a million bucks, I want a million bucks, I want a million bucks…”

The bartender protests but it is too late. In a puff of smoke one million ducks appear in the bar and begin quacking uncontrollably.

“What the hell?!?” exclaims the confused and upset patron.

“Well did you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist, you idiot?!?” replied the bartender.

A woman walks back and forth to work each day so she can save money on gas. On the way, she walks past a pet shop, where the owner has placed a beautiful parrot in an antique cage on the sidewalk outside the shop’s door.

As the woman walks by, the parrot calls out, “Hey Lady! Hey, Lady!” The woman walks back to the parrot, and says, “What?”

“You sure are ugly.”

The woman storms off to work, angry.

On the way home that evening, the woman walks past the pet shop. As she passes the pet shop , the parrot calls out, “Hey Lady! You sure are ugly!”

The woman storms off mad.

The next morning, the same thing happens. “Hey Lady! Hey Lady! You sure are ugly!”

Incensed, when the woman gets to work, she calls the pet shop and asks to speak to the owner. She explains what’s been happening, and said, “If this continues, I’m going to buy the parrot and cook him for dinner!” The owner calms her down, apologizes, and assures her that he will take care of it.”

That evening, as she’s walking home, she passes the pet shop, and the parrot in the cage is still outside the door. As she passes, the parrot calls out, “Hey Lady! Hey Lady!”

She pauses, and replies, “What?”

“You know.”

knock knock

who’s there

interrupting cow

interrupting co….

MOO!!!!

Bri_L (12219)

lol, lol, Alfreda! I like this even better than the duck/grape joke though it’s practically the same.

susanc (16139)

Whats the best thing about sex with twenty five year old girls?

Theres twenty of them.

Whats the worst part about having sex with your grandmother?
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Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

@uber, That is absolutely disgusting. Chill with the old lady/sex jokes.

@tali oh i see how it is, jokes about having sex with 5 year olds are ok but not old ladies. :P

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?….... He was dead

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?…. he was stapled to the first koala

Why did the first third fall out of the tree?…... he thought it was a game

Why did the boy fall off his bike?…... he was hit by falling koala’s

joeysefika (3098)

@joeysefika – awesome! rapid fire koala!

Bri_L (12219)

@uber, That wasn’t really okay either, but at least that one was slightly funny.

hears a funny joke a girl is about to go on a date and hear grandma says “let me tell u something about that boy there he’s gonna try to kiss u and your gonna like it but don’t let him and he’s gonna try to touch your breast and your gonna like it but don’t let him and he’s gonna try to get on top of u and disgrace your family and your gonna like it but don’t let him

after the date the girl comes back and said every thing u predicted came true so i got on top of him and disgraced his family (the grandma fainted)

ctimm15 (371)

Ok, so there were 3 patients at a mental institution, they all went to see the head doctor saying that they were cured and ready to leave. The doctor said “im going to give you a spider, when you come back in three days and give me a sensible observation i will let you free”

3 days later the 3 men came back.

the first man went into the office and the doctor said “so what have you learnt?”
the patient said “i have learnt that my spider is purple!” exclaimed the patient
The doctor looked at him and said “you’re obviously not ready to go. next!”

the second man went into the office and the doctor said “so what have you learnt?”
the patient said “i have learnt that my spider has 4 legs!” exclaimed the patient
The doctor looked at him and said “you’re obviously not ready to go. next!”

Now the third patient came in, the doctor said “so what have you learnt?”
the patient put the spider on the desk and said
Spider go left and the spider crawled left
Spider go right and the spider crawled right
Spider go forward and the spider crawled forwards
Spider go back and the spider crawled back

the doctor was amazed “wow!” “you trained a spider”
the patient picked up the spider and pulled off all the spider legs

again he said the commands
Spider go left
Spider go right
Spider go forward
Spider go back

all this time the spider did nothing….

“So what have you learnt?” the doctor asked
Well said the patient. “I have learnt that when you pull off all a spiders legs it goes… deaf

joeysefika (3098)

hear Ive got another one a blond bought a brand new ferrari so she was driving on the highway and a trucker beeped his horn signaling for her to pull over the trucker jumped out of the truck and drew a circle saying ” see this circle stay in it ” the trucker took out a knife and slashed her leather seats and looked at the blond and she was laughing so the trucker said think that’s funny so he took out a baseball bat and started bashing the car so he looked back and she was caking her self and now the trucker was furious so he took a knife out and slashed her tires and looked at her and she was on the the ground crying from laughter and the trucker said ” why are you laughing ” and she said ” every time you looked away i stepped out of the circle ”

ctimm15 (371)

@ctimm15: Your jokes are pretty funny and told enthusiastically. Also, welcome to the collective!

But could you please (for the love of Pete) include punctuation in your answers? Spell check may not be a bad idea also.

but i did spell check?

ctimm15 (371)

any way thanks for saying that my jokes are funny :)

ctimm15 (371)

Thanks, you guys. These are great!!! Keep’m coming!

Knotmyday (7516)

a blond in a store was looking at some alligator shoes and told the shop keeper they were to expensive and that she was going to catch her own alligator shoes. when the shop keeper was driving home he looked out his window the blond was knee deep in water holding a gun when an alligator was swimming strait towards her she started shooting at it and surprisingly killed it and dragged it to the bank of the river where there were ten other alligators on there back then she flipped over the alligator she just Caught and looked at his feet when she said damn this alligator has no shoes ether.

ctimm15 (371)

@ctimm: That was also pretty funny. Editing would have made it much funnier.
.

gailcalled (54644)

@ ctimm15 – nice one and welcome!

Bri_L (12219)

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kinda joke?”

cyndyh (7648)

Just heard a slightly off-color one:

Man walks into a barber shop, asks “Bob Peters here?”
Barber replies “Nope. We just cut hair.”

Knotmyday (7516)

@ cyndy – Excellent classic LURVE

@ knotmyday – gotta figure that one out

Bri_L (12219)

Bri: peter is yet another slang word for penis. Bob means to trim or cut.

gailcalled (54644)

@Bri: thanks. :^>
@gail: Um, that’s not the only meaning of “bob”.

cyndyh (7648)

heheh no matter which way you look at it thats funny

Lurve to Knotmyday.

Bri_L (12219)

@cyndyh: I know but in the context of the joke, it is used as an old-fashioned verb. So, Bob’s your uncle. :-)

gailcalled (54644)

If Bob’s my Uncle then definitely not. :^>

cyndyh (7648)

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a hores the other day I found a joky under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

ctimm15 (371)

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

ctimm15 (371)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

They have big fingers.

Knotmyday (7516)

ctimm, i don’t get the joke, the lawyer joke. at all.

La_chica_gomela (12574)

Yeah, ctimm, did you finish that one?

Here’s one.

A very wealthy man is dying and gathers his best friends around him: a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer. He wants to take his money with him and has each friend promise to do his bidding. When his death is near, he gives them each a large bag of money to put into his coffin and be buried with him. In a few days he dies. Each friend sticks a large bag in the coffin at the viewing and the man is buried with them.

About a month later the friends are talking over dinner. The minister says, “I have a confession to make. It was so much money. He wasn’t going to use it where he’s going, so I took some of the money to help build a homeless shelter.”

The doctor says, “I’m glad. I took some of the money to build a new children’s wing at the hospital. I’m glad I’m not the only one. That money is going to do so much good.”

So they both turn and look at the lawyer who says, “I’m ashamed of you guys. I threw in a check for the whole amount.”

cyndyh (7648)

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Where did you get that thing?” The parrot replies, “In France, there are millions of them!”

gailcalled (54644)

Um, I don’t get it.

Trustinglife (6668)

Oh, dear. There’s an old expression that apparently hasn’t made it into the vernacular of today’s youth.“Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong.” Parrot is referring to the Frenchman.

Fifty Million Frenchmen is a musical comedy written by Cole Porter and produced by Warner Bros. President Harry Warner on Broadway in 1929. It was made into a movie which debuted in 1931.

The title is a reference to a hit song of 1927, “Fifty Million Frenchmen Can’t Be Wrong”, by Willie Raskin, Billy Rose, and Fred Fisher. The lyrics of this humorous song compared free attitudes in 1920s Paris with the censorship and prohibition in the United States.”

gailcalled (54644)

Ah, I see. Amused to be thrown in with “today’s youth.” (I’m 28.)

Trustinglife (6668)

@gail ive heard that frenchman joke before, except the version i heard was much more racist.

@All: for everyone interested in all the possible bad jokes about birds.

Trusting; that seems young to me

Uber; there aways is.:-)

gailcalled (54644)

That was great gail!!!! I can’t wait to tell it to my grandpa!

Bri_L (12219)

oops some of my jokes i didn’t finnish.

ctimm15 (371)

ill tell you the end:

hmmm said st peter ill talk to the boss 30 minutes later st peter comes back and said the boss agrees hears your 30 bucks now f-ck off

ctimm15 (371)

ctimm15————> This way to remedial English (spelling, upper case, vocabulary and complete sentence) all taught by the talking parrot.

gailcalled (54644)

Be nice to bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have! (Dedicated to shilolo)

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers
at him, ’‘I screwed your mom last night!’’ Disturbed, the man tries to
ignore him.

Again, he hears, ’‘Your mom was good in bed last night!’’ Again, he tries to
ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ’‘Dad,
go home, you’re drunk!’’

Bri_L (12219)

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, decided he needed a few days off from his bell-ringing job, so he put an ad in the paper. The next day, a guy shows up at the cathedral. “All right,” says Quas, “this isn’t a hard job, but there are a few things you need to learn before you start.” He takes him up to the bell tower. “OK, here’s the deal. Watch very closely, and then do exactly as I do.”
Quasimodo then pushes the giant bell as hard as he can, and bends over. The bell swings back, hitting him on the top of his head. BOOOONNNNG! goes the bell, and Quasimodo turns to the guy. “OK, got it? Now you try.” “This is easy!” says the guy, and he gives the bell a huge push. But he forgets to bend over, and the bell smacks him in the face, knocking him right out of the tower. BOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGG!!
Quasimodo rushes to the tower railing and looks down.
Far below, some priests are looking at the body. One looks up, sees Quasimodo. “Who is this guy?” he calls up.
Quasimodo says…
“I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

Knotmyday (7516)

Looking up websites on infertility, I found an address that sounded interesting. I clicked on the link and was taken to a site that said, “This page is under construction.”

I looked closer and saw in smaller print: “Check back in nine months and see what we’ve accomplished.”

I bookmarked the addresss and went back several months later. Posted was a full-page picture of a beautiful nine-pound baby girl.

ctimm15 (371)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

ctimm15 (371)

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined \$20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined \$60. Being caught a third time will cost you \$180. Are there any questions?”
Then one of the student asked, “How much for a season pass?”

ctimm15 (371)

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.

“The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?”There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

ctimm15 (371)

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!

What is the advantage of emo grass? It cuts itself.

…But the disadvantage is that it shrivels up in sunlight.

my apologies to those of you who are emo or do not appreciate jokes about the emo lifestyle

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Now this is interesting…

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was with Marilyn Monroe.

ctimm15 (371)

does every one like my jokes ‘cause i think there funny and everyone else’s are very funny

ctimm15 (371)

Roses are red, violets are black, why’s Yo mama’s chest, as flat as her back?

Roses are red, Yo mama’s a witch, give her a quarter and she’ll be your bitch.

Roses are red, violets are gold, so get on your knees and do what you’re told!

Roses are red, I’m at the door, Yo mama has a cup saying “Change for the poor.”

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama stinks, and so do you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, what Yo mama needs is a good shampoo.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama asked what’s stupid and poor, and I said you.

Roses are red, violets are grey, Yo mama’s so ugly, I don’t know what to say.

Roses are red, violets are blue, beasts like yo mama belong in a zoo.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama’s breath smells like five day old stew.

ctimm15 (371)

Maury and Pauly, in their younger years, went to the county fair and slipped into the hoochy-coochy show, where the ecdysiast was just beginning to “dare all to bare all.”

“Uh-oh,” said Pauly, “I’m gettin’ outta he’e!”

“Wait,” protested Maury, “this is gonna get better ‘n’ better!”

“Nope,” said Pauly, “my momma told me that if I ever saw a naked woman, I’d turn to stone, and I think I done started!

ctimm15 (371)

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges.” Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size.” She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” Mom fainted.

ctimm15 (371)

Damn it. I was waiting for the part where Lincoln and Kennedy both walk into a bar.

Nimis (13255)

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you!”

And the grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Kevin?”

cyndyh (7648)

heres one: Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he’d been recommended to paint him in the nude.

“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don”t do that sort of thing.”

“But what if I double your fee?” he pleaded.

“Nope, sorry. Won’t do it.”

“How about I give you five times what you normally get?”

“Oh, okay then,” said the artist, “but I’m keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes.”

ctimm15 (371)

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.

“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”

“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I must have left my baby on the bus!”

ctimm15 (371)

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

“What?” his father replied.

“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

ctimm15 (371)

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari.

“Hey,” says the man. “Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?”

“Because I feel like it.”

“Tell you what — I won’t report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari.”

“Whatever.” So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he’s hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.

“I’m amazed,” says the driver. “How are you keeping up?”

“It’s easy,” says the running man, “when your dick is stuck in the door.”

ctimm15 (371)

Man, where do you get these?

Trustinglife (6668)

Q: What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle’s back?
A: Weeeeeeeeeeee!

cyndyh (7648)

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

ctimm15 (371)

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. “You bitch,” yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, “You bag.”
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. “Dad, what are bags and bitches?”
“Oh, that’s just another name for women,” replied his dad.
“Oh, okay,” said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny’s dad cuts himself. “Oh shit,” he said.
“Oh, that’s just another name for shaving your self,” replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. “Fuck!” she yells.
“Mom, what’s fuck?” questionned Johnny.
“That’s just another word for cooking the turkey.”
“Oh, I get it,” said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!” yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
“Hello young man. Are you parents home?” asked the front lady.
“Hello bags and bitches. My dad’s upstairs shitting himself and my mom’s downstairs fucking the turkey.”

ctimm15 (371)

It was little Johnny’s first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
“Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.”
The father asked her what had happened.
“The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.”
“Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.

ctimm15 (371)

Then there’s the one about the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a bar!

Strauss (23618)

The teacher said, “Class, today I’ll go through the alphabet and you will give me a word starting with that letter. A…”
Little Johnny’s hand went straight up into the air. The teacher did not call on him, thinking he would come up with an inappropriate word, like “Asshole.” So the teacher called on Suzie, who said, “Teacher, A is for Apple.”
“Very good, Suzie, said the teacher. “Now how about a word that begins with B?”
Of course Little Johnny’s hand went up again. And again for C, and for D. The teacher kept skipping him until she came to the letter R. She could not think of any “bad” word that begins with R.
So she called on Little Johnny, and said, “Very well, Johnny, what word begins with the letter R.
Johnny replied, “Teacher, R stands for RAT…A great big rat with a fucking tail 6 feet long!”

Same thing happened with

Strauss (23618)

Don’t know how “same thing happened with” came from. LOL

Strauss (23618)

@Yetanotheruser good one. I never heard that one.

Bri_L (12219)

The priest and the preacher had been fishing buddies for several years, so they decided to invite the new rabbi to join them for an outing. The three men rowed their boat out to the middle of the lake, dropped their lines, poured their liquid refreshments, and proceeded to fish. At one point, the preacher announced that he needed to use the restroom. The rabbi started to gather together his gear, but the preacher said, “That’s not necessary, Rabbi. Just leave your line in the water.”

At that point the preacher stepped out of the boat and proceeded to walk over the surface of the water! The preacher reached the shore, went and took care of business, walked back across the lake and stepped back into the boat.

The rabbi was astounded. “How did you do that, Reverend?”
The preacher replied, “Faith, Rabbi. All you need is a little faith.”

A little later, the priest had to go. Again, he stepped out of the boat, walked across the lake to the shore, took care of his business, walked back across the lake to the boat and climbed in.

Again, the rabbi could not believe what he saw. He said,“Father, how did you do that?”
The preacher replied, “Faith, Rabbi. All you need is a little faith.”

Finally, the rabbi could not hold his water any longer. He announced, “OK, I can’t wait. I’m going to walk to the shore and use the rest room!”

He stepped over the side of the boat and promptly sank.

The priest and preacher helped him back into the boat, and said,
“Like we told you, Rabbi, you need faith. But it also helps to have someone tell you where the rocks are.

Strauss (23618)

“get a real job”

sounds like a joke

kevinhardy (520)

Only when your boss says it to you. :^>

cyndyh (7648)