Like Augustlan, I was sexually abused in childhood by a family member. I never told because I carried a sense of shame and guilt for years. I also have a long family history of depression, so I naturally struggled with it for my whole life. I have also had a lot of body image issues and major self-esteem problems to work through.
My rage towards my mother was always evident to me, though. Even though I never told her, I still felt unprotected by her… how could she have not known that something was wrong? This has bothered me even more since I became a parent, because I make an effort to be involved and know what is going on in my son’s life. My ex-husband told her about it when we first separated. She went to therapy for a little while, but it seems she remains somewhat in denial about it.
I have talked about it with both my perpetrator and my mother, and while they both acknowledge what happened on an intellectual level, neither of them accepts responsibility… the both rationalize out some B.S. excuses. I accept that they have these defenses because they are incapable of living with the guilt, so I forgive them.
Over the years I tried many different therapies and medications, and read a lot of self-help books. But what helped most was to accept that it happened and no fairy-godmother was going to come and wave a wand and make it go away. I also had to let go of my shame and guilt… I realized that if I were talking to a young girl who had been through such an experience, I would tell her that it wasn’t her fault; so why wasn’t I extending that same compassion towards myself? So I did begin speaking openly on sites such as this about my experience to help remove the sense of shame and stigma associated with it. So many people with similar experiences express gratitude for my candor. We are not alone.
I also began practicing gratitude and literally counting my blessings rather than always focusing on the negatives. And any time I started feeling sorry for myself, I would stop and remind myself that I can’t change the past and I can’t control others, all I cancontrol is what I do with this very moment… and I need to stop letting those thattried to push me down decades ago keep influencing my life.
I use a few mantras to help me:
Living well is the best revenge.
This too shall pass.
If it is to be, it is up to me.