Does he shun all physical contact? Is there cuddling or touch involved at all?
If there is no touch then I would not want to be in such a relationship.

As for the sex- there are ways for ladies to enjoy the act without violating monogamy but it will usually require batteries and is really not quite the same.

Ultimately it really depends on you and if you can be content with what is and is not.
Does he make you happy in all other ways? Do you two share special moments?

No.

I imagine it is possible, but not something I personally would want.

That’s what happens to a lot of married people! :D

Sure. If you are happy, be happy. People with injuries sometimes can’t have sex and they have long term relationships, It only depends on if you can be satisifed in the relationship overall. Also, I thougth I would mention that I saw this expert on Oprah saying they had done a lot of research recently and the idea that couple who don’t have sex, but claim to be happy, many times really are. There was this idea out there that there must be something wrong with the relationship and no sex was not really the problem, but masking a bigger issue. Although this is true sometimes, many times plenty of couples had not had sex for years and were very in love and happy with their situation.

how do you think families work?

He doesn’t need a penis in order for you to have orgasms. Is he selfish, too? Busted tongue? No index finger? No imagination?

@pdworkin gawwwd. Some days I am so impressed and then other days I wonder. LOL

did I say the wrong thing?

@pdworkin: But I would think someone with ED would be embarrassed, and it’s hard to have any kind of intimacy when you feel inadequate in that department.

He can fuckin’ get over it, if he wants to have an intimate relationship with a woman. I’m embarrassed about the way I look naked. Should I quit fucking?

He only said what most other folks were thinking, me included.

That was running thru my mind the second I finished reading the question. Had he not said it, I would have. Perhaps not as bluntly, but still….

Whether or not this situation can be workable for you depends on what you are willing to work out together. If the two of you have difficulty communicating about these types of issues, then the lack of intimacy is not just physical.

@pdworkin nah, forget it, I just gave you a GA for the last answer.

yes he loves to cuddle, but only when he initiates it. If I try he pulls away

@pdworkin: that’s my point. Maybe it’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even want it anymore. I say this because my weight had me in that position for 2 years in my last relationship… the thought of any intimacy almost sent me into panic attacks. But I loved him and wanted to be with him.

I’m not excusing it, or playing devil’s advocate. I’m just saying I’ve sort of been there.

i would say its possible under certain circumstances. personally i have a very high sex drive. and i do enjoy quite a few kinky things.

but i must admit, most of the time. i still prefer cuddling up on the couch. the smell on her hair and the buzzing off the pheromones. it makes me feel very manly indeed.

If he doesn’t want “it” he doesn’t have to have “it”. She wants “it”, and if he is supposedly in a long term loving relationship with her, it’s his responsibility to give “it” to her. If he won’t, then he is either unimaginably selfish, narcissistic, self-involved, or unimaginative in the extreme.

@marionef wrote: “yes he loves to cuddle, but only when he initiates it. If I try he pulls away”

I could not and would not tolerate this. To pull away is cold. To withhold affection is cruel.
I would find someone who wants to be held and be a lover.

You deserve better. You have the gift of a warm loving personality that you can share with a soul mate who is still out there hoping to find you.

Thanks, @Dog, if I were more articulate that’s just what I would have said. GA.

@pdworkin: I get what you’re saying, and I understand why you say that. I might even agree with you on a few levels. But I can also tell you there are levels that you could never understand until you’ve been in those shoes.

I am 6’ tall and weighed 375 (Three Hundred and Seventy-Five) lbs for most of my life. What is it that you think I don’t know?

Thanks all for your responses, you have all given me a lot to think about

@pdworkin: It affects everyone differently. Just because you did not experience the same detriment as I did, doesn’t mean that my feelings at the time are any less relevent.

I should note that this is no longer the case, though the weight has not changed. I know that I was cold, and selfish, and unimaginative, and all the things you said. But it’s hard to care about that when you’re in panic mode about being a constant failure.

@pdworkin said what I was thinking. It sounds like opening up the relationship would be on the table if @marionef wanted it, so it’s not like the guy is being a totally unfair jerk by withholding sex and demanding monogamy. He had to have known that he didn’t want sex before the relationship started, but he let it progress anyway. His needs, like cuddling and companionship, are being met- when he wants to cuddle, anyway. Even if he has other redeeming qualities, he sounds like a selfish jerk.

Sex yes, physical intimacy and those quiet couple moments- no.

Tried opening up the discussion, but he just changed the subject, so I guess that tells me he has no interest in fullfilling my needs. As long as he gets what he wants out of the relationship he is happy.

I’m so sorry, @marionef. You deserve much better. Perhaps if he understood how you really feel he would make more of an effort. Maybe you should even show him this thread.

@ragingloli speak for your own family…my family works just fine and there’s plenty of sex…between my husband and myself, that is

It is possible (not for me) if it is possible for you. Yet something’s missing for you and that’s no good. Don’t settle.

You have long term relationships with parents, right?

@XOIIO Don’t forget parrots and tortoises.

I could do it, though I would really miss sex. And yes, like you, I am monogamous, so I wouldn’t be looking for it elsewhere. Even if your bf doesn’t have a sex drive, isn’t it possible to persuade him to at least do something else with you, even if it’s not actual penetration? There are many ways of being intimate that can feel nice, and you can always use a vibrator if you have to.

But from your answers it seems he doesn’t want anything at all. In most relationships, that would be a sign of apathy towards the person, but perhaps as you say in his case it is more general. I think that if he wants to keep you he should at least make the effort to cuddle and touch more. Perhaps you should even tell him so. I think that if you have everything else in the relationship (including the physical intimacy) the sex itself might not be that vital.

no move on

There are as many different kinds of long term relationships as there are people in them. The key is not whether it will work for anyone, it is whether it will work for you and your mate.

You can discuss until doomsday, but I don’t think most people can change their innate behavior. You can perhaps remember to put the cap back onto the toothpaste, but to change your guts is hard enough to do for yourself much less for someone else.

The line, if you have a problem with something (or someone), it is your problem, I think is very true. You are the only one you can control so if this is not satisfactory to you, then I think it is time for you to leave.

The other person may try to change to keep you but long term I think it breeds resentment that who they are is not good enough, they have to become someone else. It’s not a good thing for your psyche.

@rooeytoo very good point

@XOIIO its not the same thing

What @Jack79 and @rooeytoo said. Talk to him, if you can’t make it work, move on. You really need to be able to be happy sexually in a relationship.

In that situation I’d move on. He does sound selfish to me, too.

@pdworkin : I just lurve the way you state things.

@XOIIO That’s comparing apples to oranges. You’re trying to make the point that you can have a long-term relationship without sex by bringing up parents. Well, duh. Most of the relationships in our lives aren’t sexual, like friends and family, but if they do something shitty and selfish we aren’t stuck exclusively having one friend or one family member. And if there’s something I need from a friend or family member, and they say no, I can always ask someone else. If you’re dedicated to a monogamous relationship, that’s the only person you can get sex from, for the duration.

Possible, but OH SO VERY DIFFICULT! I had problems like this with my partner for a good while, but not exactly for the same reason as your guy.

I say, don’t go out and find some one because of sex. You’ll regret it. Instead, try something else. Why can’t he… well… finger you? Touch you? Lick? Toys? And how bout you? Are you against oral? Maybe try and dress up and see if he can get it up. But if he cant, let him know it doesn’t have to stop for you! ;)

What are some things you have thought of doing to help it out?

I tried to make it work and it didn’t. without good sexual intimacy everything else just fades away- or becomes irritating! and @pdworkin said it best