I grew up not knowing my father or his family at all. I was conceived from a one-time sexual assault. I was also barely acquainted with my birth mother’s family. The state took me from her at 4 due to severe abuse and neglect. Her husband and brother-in-law had tried to kill me several months before in her presence and she didn’t try to stop them; it was a neighbor who caught them and did something! The state transferred custody of me to her sister, who turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic. BM never made contact with me on her own, and stopped contacting her sister when I was 11. I never heard from her again and have no idea where she might be today, or if she is alive.
My aunt/guardian didn’t keep in contact with her other siblings or parents, who in turn didn’t keep in contact with us, so I don’t know my cousins. We were rather isolated. My maternal grandparents are now both dead. I stopped talking to my aunt/guardian and cousin (her son) about 8 years ago, because I could no longer handle the issues surrounding her mental illness, their continuing emotional abuse and their demands that I leave my life and return to her home and support her. There has been so much physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse among my maternal family members that I had to just leave them all entirely, and there is at least 100 years worth of abuse that has gone down the pike that I’ve learned about in dribs and drabs over the years, and it’s awful stuff. In my BM’s generation, 5 of the 6 siblings are extremely emotionally disturbed.
I have felt quite guilty over the years for not being able to “save” them and for not wanting to be a part of their lives, but there it is. I have no interest in being a part of their lives, as wicked as that may make me sound. I think the psychological term for how my guardian and cousin wanted to deal with family matters between us is “enmeshed”. I can’t live that way. There are a few relatives who know how to get in touch with me, but after reaching out, they haven’t returned the effort.
I can only hope that whomever I have a relationship with next will be understanding. My previous boyfriends weren’t. I’m not a horrible person, I just feel that I needed to save myself instead of sinking down into the mire. I have a surrogate family, who, while obviously not perfect, has a few members in it who treat me with love and kindness, and I’m very grateful for that.