Heh, if my mother were here she’d tell you your kid sounds exactly like me.
I took my first step, stopped then plopped down said foot and examined my feet intensely for the next few hours. At six months, I was done breastfeeding and would push her away when she tried. I decided when to read, when to be potty trained, all of it. My mom had no control other than to provide the resources and wait me out.
But I do remember starting with memorization. Shapes corresponding to sounds. And I think it helped my spelling tremendously. Spelling bee winner here. :)
My mother read to me, while holding my hand and pointing my finger or just hers at each words as she read calmly, clearly and at a constant easy pace. I can’t recall her ever breaking the flow of the words to sound things out or to emphasize sounds and syllables. She just read and I naturally picked things up along the way, eventually I would join in. I started like your daughter though, pretending to read trying to force the book to make sense sometimes and then just saying screw it, my mom’s chemistry book is totally about ponies now! I think she tried flashcards a bit too, but as she puts it I was ‘willful’ and wanted nothing to do with it for a really long time.
I understood what reading was, and began working towards it at three. By four I was reading, and two years later the biggest book I’d read was in the 2nd grade, Clan of the Cave Bear. I’m pretty sure, someone tore the pages with the big rape scene out ahead of time. :P My mom and my teacher had the same attitude as @Jeruba. Very little was off limits, you need to find what you like and you can’t do that if you’re given only someone else’s choices.
Based on this thread, I’m pretty sure I was ahead of the curve and once the first few pieces fell into place I dove in headfirst and read for hours everyday. But I don’t think four is too young to begin at all.