Consult your inner animal spirit guide. Have them translate it into Guarani and infuse the message into a Brazillian Coffee Bean farmer who breathes the essence of meaning into his spring crop. Then go to Wallmart and buy some coffee and put your ear against the vibrating bean grinder. Morse code will be dictated to you from the grinder. Take that code and call 411 for information on your telephone. The operator is a Manchurian Candidate who will recognize the transmission, thereby sending it to Bell Telephone top floor, who obviously is owned by Lucent Technologies. Lucent means Lucifer, and you’ll definitely need Satan involved with this next step. Every Lucent van in the world will converge on the equator at 12 noon under perfect 5000 degree kelvin lighting conditions, where you will be waiting in the skies above in your government escorted B52 bomber ready to read the message. Make sure to drop the bombs after reading because we certainly want to protect your privacy.
Good Luck!