“I think babies are REALLY cute and I definitely feel good when I am around them. However, I don’t know if I want one forever.”

No, you shouldn’t.You should give it some time until you are completely ready to accept the responsibilities that come with having a child. When you are fully committed to becoming a parent (and accepting that a having a child does mean forever), then you should.

I don’t have kids, but I took care of my sisters from my father’s second marriage. If you’re unsure, just play with someone else’s kids. Then, when they annoy you, give them back.

The blood, sweat and tears are not the issue. It’s the poo.

This is a huge decision to consider. Maybe it would be best for you and your husband to sit down with some professionals to discuss this further?

You absolutely should. I love kids, so I always wanted them, and I have been blessed with two beautiful sons. But I have a very close friend who always thought that kids were just okay, and wasn’t sure he wanted them. After his wife got pregnant, and they had a child…then another, he has done a complete 180…he loves his kids and wouldn’t trade them, or his child rearing experience, for anything.

You need to understand that having kids changes EVERYTHING. Your life is no longer your own. And, it gets expensive. Diapers. formula, whatever. Daycare, if you can’t afford to have someone stay home. BUT, at the end of the day, that little life is YOURS to hold in your arms, and you can’t even begin to imagine the joy that will bring you until you’re there. Sure it’s a lot of work, but it’s a labor of love, and well, well worth it, in my opinion.

Sounds like you are mostly happy with the baby stage…and only thinking of that. What happens when the terrible twos come? When the kid becomes an independent minded teenager? That adorable baby grows up quick.

Think beyond the baby stage, and then decide if you want a kid or not.

No one who has to ask should have a baby. Unless you are so anxious to be a parent, and help another person discover the world, you should not.

From a 50 yr. old mother of a magnificent, gorgeous 22 yr. old daughter!

Uncertainty IS the game of LIFE!

Are you ready to give of yourself? 100% ????

I knew I wasn;t cut out for multiple kids, but my one child…my greatest joy.

Loved every minute of those little kid years and NOW…..a new best friend!

If your heart isn’t really ‘in’ then keep waiting.

If it is, go for it!

LIFE IS LEARNING TO LIVE WITH UNCERTAINTY!!!!!!

Someday you will be best pals with your child…PRICELESS!

Doesn’t quite sound like you’re ready to be a parent, no.

Get a puppy.

I intend to have a dozen kids (not a figure of speech). The portion of the population which does not have children (or only one/two) will not be represented several generations from now.

can you rent one to test out?

@erikaziger First, welcome to Fluther. I hope you make many new friends here and enjoy your stay. I look forward to learning from you and profiting from your participation.

Now, to your question. If you have reservations—if you have to ask in a public forum—then I say definitely not until you work through the issues holding you back and are crystal clear on the fact you want to have and properly rear a child. Get some counselling if you need to to work through the issues, because your husband’s desire to start a family counts too. It’s your body, but it’s 50% his marriage so ha deserves a vote.

Boy, this is a tough one. I don’t have kids and I certainly see @jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities point of view , and he really does have a strong and valid point there. But on the other hand, I don’t think it is at all uncommon for some, if not many, women to have varying degrees of ambivalence about having children. Maybe you should talk to some of your friends who have children and ask them whether or not they had mixed feelings about having children. You have to decide for yourself.

Of course someone who has to “ask” should have a baby. I wish all of the parents in the world were required to put this much thought into their decision, and even experience it firsthand as you have. I say go for it.

You won’t have it forever. They grow up pretty quick and then you have an adult that you love more than you ever loved the baby. And I’m a man with a son and a daughter, both of whom are great people that I just love being around.

@malevolentbutticklish

You can’t be serious my good young woman..a dozen or more?

Thats not parenting, thats breeding, might as well be a mouse.

It is always about QUALITY over QUANTITY.

Only a severely fragile ego would need to replicate itself a dozen times over.

Nature designates ONE replication for each parent. If it was 1752, maybe a dozen offspring would compensate for the losses inevitable. I think you’d square even with two offspring…of course I wasn’t interested in reproducing my daughters father…he did not require a nemisis…lol, fortunetly it was my genetic material that was replicated. :-)

@plethora

Truer words were never spoken! :-)

I never really had that maternal instinct, so my first instinct is “No” not unless you are 100% sure and committed. Of course your life changes forever. In major ways. I tend to be very negative about having kids. BUT! my son is now grown up, and problems and all, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Warts and all. Nothing can beat your own adult kid. You may feel this right away (I didn’t). Or you might feel it later like I have. Either way there is no other experience quite like it. It’s tons of work, and at times you want to go bonkers. Like any relationship you know!

The normal logic about anything most things is, if you have to ask, then no.

@ShiningToast That doesn’t apply to “Do these pants make my butt look big?”

@_bob But you aren’t asking the question there, someone is asking it of you.

A baby is pretty much a “forever” sort of deal.
So if you don’t want one forever right now, now is probably not the time to have one.

Yes, but only if you get two sides. They’re like chinese food.

I’m told that babies are worth all of the trouble that it takes to get them to adulthood.
Consider: literally billions (trillions?) of women throughout the ages have managed the stress. Should you decide to have a kid, I’d bet that you’d find a way to handle it.

Forever goes by very quickly.
I agree…do nothing if nothing is the driving force behind your movement.

But…. forget not, all of life moves quickly.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

At the end, remember…your life is concentrated into that tiny dash between ‘birth-death’....you are NOT special when it comes to the timeline…figure it out kiddos!

@Nullo: Billions

If you have to ask on Fluther, you most certainly should NOT have a child.

@Coloma:
I am serious. Are you serious? Can you back up your assertion that “higher quality” is associated with fewer children? Do you contend that blacks therefore are of lower quality and even if you do contend this can you show it is because they have more children?

@Nullo: 106,456,367,669 people born (slightly greater than 50% female) according to http://www.prb.org/Articles/2002/HowManyPeopleHaveEverLivedonEarth.aspx

It’s simple mathematics my darling.

12 children is divided bewteen 12 hours in a day.
Would you rather give one child 12 hours, 2 children 6 hours, 3 children 4 hours, or 12 children 1 hour?

Quality over quantity is all I am saying. Well…and the simple fact that nature does not require us to bear 4 times the amount of offspring these days because one half of them are not likely to survive.

12 children sounds more like a fantasy rather than a reality if you truly wish to give as much as you are able to the outcome.

It is not cheaper by the dozen…in any capacity.

Why would you wish to bear the grocery outlet of humanity?

Of course, this is a very personal question. I think if you have the time to put into having a child, that is really being there for the first few very important years of development, and you are a patient and loving person who can do without sleep at times and your marriage is really strong so that even though a new person comes into the relationship, your husband is enough of a man to not be the center of your attention after the baby is born, then maybe you should consider having a child.

When I was thinking of having a third child (not common at the time), most of the people who I asked who had three said they were happy they had the third. One woman, though, said she was not happy about it—not that she didn’t love the child, but that her life was better with just two. Shocking, but honest. If you are really happy now, perhaps the interruption of a child will not be wanted. You really have to think about that, and really want to have a baby. It’s wonderful but challenging.

For myself, I had four. For me and my husband, it was the best, most wonderful and amazing part of our lives. The young children grow very fast, so even though the days sometimes seem long, you will wonder where the time goes after a quick two years of watching and participating in the miracle of a child growing.

But, with everything they know now about brain development, I recommend reading the book The Science of Parenting. It will teach you how the ways in which you treat your child affects his brain, brain chemistry, and life.

@Coloma Excellent answer

@plethora: How could it be an excellent answer when it didn’t address the question?
@Coloma: Do you contend that blacks therefore are of lower quality and even if you do contend this can you show it is because they have more children?

I don’t see the racial connection. Are you black????

The connection is about quality vs,.quantity.

Race has nothing to do with it.

If a dog gives birth to 10 puppies, several will be runts.

One simply cannot give the ultimate when spread that thinly.

Think butter on toast.

@Coloma: The racial connection is that black families, on average, have more children and you assert that more children = lower quality. Therefore black children are of lower quality based on your assertions. These are the true implications of your statements.

@malevolentbutticklish Dude, she never directly said black families. You’re inferring connections that she hasn’t made. They may or may not have more children, but race isn’t the issue here. Relax, please.

No. They are not ‘true’ implications…simply facts.

No one is of ‘lower’ quality..but parenting is, by simple division alone.

This is not to say that other forces are not at work, individual temprament, personality, resiliancy….but, time and attention ARE comprimised…how an individual absorbs and copes with the attention deficit is another discussion entirely/

@ShiningToast:
a) “Dude, she never directly said black families.” <== true, but of course she doesn’t have to. She can talk about black families without saying @BlackFamilies.
b) “You’re inferring connections thaty she hasn’t made.” <== false She is saying many children=lower quality. Since black families on average DO have more children she is talking about them.
c) If someone makes a comment saying a race is of lower-quality as @Coloma has with her many children=lower quality comment then of course race is an issue

@Coloma : “No one is of ‘lower’ quality..but parenting is, by simple division alone.” <== so children which are a product of lower-quality parenting are not lower-quality children? If so, why care about quality of parenting at all?

@malevolentbutticklish You’re stereotyping here. Race does not define how many children you have, and until you can back this up with some census data that black families have proportionally more children than EVERY OTHER RACE I’m not going to buy it.

What she is trying to say is that more children=lower quality parenting, not children. You have to divide your time up between more kids, so they have less quality time with the parent. Plenty of people with shitty parents have turned out fine, you just like splitting hairs.

Goodnight, and stop trolling as this is incredibly off topic.

@ShiningToast: Census data backs it up, black families have more children than white families. I do not know which race has the most but there is such a race. If we knew which it was you could then simply substitute it for black. The implications are the same.

“more children=lower quality parenting, not children” <== this is crazy-talk. How could lower quality parenting not result in lower quality children?

Excuse me…the race card was never my implication.

Neither is ‘lower quality children.’

Children are never lower quality…but parenting can be!

I don’t care if someone is purple with yellow daisys on their ass…the issue is how WELL can ONE raise DOZENS?

I maintain that procreating litters of humans is not a healthy nor smart thing to do for all involved, especially the children.

Assumptions are assumed, please pay attention.

@Coloma: Please explain how lower-quality parenting results in equal-quality children?

You guys never took Econometrics (or Statistics), did ya?

It’s incorrect to say that, since blacks have, on average, lots of kids, saying that more kids=bad parents implies racism. You have to control for the relevant variable. It’d be racist to say that blacks with the same number of kids as whites would be bad parents. That’s not the case.

@_bob: We are of course talking about an average. We cannot take each black family individually, but if we did, we would find a disproportionate number of them have many children.

@malevolentbuttlickish Read my whole post before answering. I already answered that question.

@malevolentbutticklish

All children are born equal, whether they receive the role modeling and time and attention to develop to their maximum capabilities is another matter entirely.

I have no idea how you all have interjected the race card.
A non-linear addition that escapes my absorbtion.

Goodnight.

* Inhales *
* Exhales *
Y’all be cool.
* Stops following *

@ShiningToast: Your post doesn’t answer the question. Your post says that the parenting is worse but fails to state how worse parenting results in equal children.

@Coloma: “All children are born equal, whether they receive the role modeling and time and attention to develop to their maximum capabilities is another matter entirely.” <== so children which are not freshly born are not equal, YES?

@malevolentbuttlickish ” Plenty of people with shitty parents turned out fine. ”

I’m done for real now.

@ShiningToast: You can’t talk about “plenty of people” “turn[ing] out fine.” You have to know if the group as a whole did better or worse than another group to know if the results were equal. If bad parenting wasn’t a problem there would be no reason to seek to reduce it.

I You make no sense at all malevolentbuttlickish.
Although your name hardly screams ‘mommy’...lol

I’m with bob….stops following.

Lets just leave it with this.

State run institutional daycare designates one caregiver per every 6 children.

Why is that?

@Coloma: Why ask a question and they say “stops following”? Which is it?

Knock yourself out girl…this mama is going to bed.

@Coloma:
a) To answer your question: State run institutional daycare is NOT a good place to look for parenting advice. Even so, in a noninstitutional family older children act as partial caregivers for younger children bringing the ratio below 6/1.
b) I know you did not realize the implications of your statement at the time you made it. The implications are still the same.
c) Goodnight.

PS: I am male.

Simply wait until your are emotionally mature! Nuff said.

My mom said that before she had me, she never wanted a child. She said she was scared of the commitment and scared that she would fuck it up.
When she married my dad, he really wanted a kid so she gave in.
She nows says that she doesn’t know what she was thinking before. She can’t imagine life without a child and says it was the best decision she ever made.
I think you may come to find that this is how it’ll be for you. However, I agree with some of the others that perhaps you should wait till you are ready to bring a human into this world that you will have forever. It sounds like you aren’t emotionally ready and it sounds like you aren’t ready to give up some of your freedom.
Good luck either way.

If its a matter of cold feet and nothing more than I have to tell you its great being a mom. Plus you have to consider if you and your husband started out wanting children and you don’t want any then maybe you might want to consider spliting up. I think this is a decision he should be clued into.
That being said, if you know you will suck because you don’t have the emotional balance to be a considering and selfless person to raise another human being then, don’t do it.
Its also not the same raising someone elses child and raising your own. You actually get to raise the child in the way that you think is best for them.
When I took care of other children, it wasn’t taking care of them that was difficult. It was dealing with the selfish parents that made the whole thing difficult.
Ultimately it is your decision and your husbands decision. Remember too that he will be in the mix to help you with decisions about how to raise them and if hes a good man and you think he will make a great dad, then you have little to worry about.

As for your last questions. Without a doubt, I wouldn’t change a thing. I would still have my children. And its true, that in what seems a moment, they are grown and gone. Of course this depends if you raise them right. Other wise you might get stuck with them forever and not in a good way. LOL Raise them to be selfless, responsible adults and you won’t regret a thing. Spoil them with love, respect, security but not with things and teach them about responsibility and you’ll be fine.

I think you should have one. You are 29 and it will be harder for you to have your first baby after 32–33. I’m 22, and I’m going to have my first baby in 4 months. I realize that I’m a little bit young for being a mother, but i also know that when baby arrives, I’ll love her so much that I can be the best mother in this world, with the help and support of my husband of course.
There are also positive sides of being a young mum. You can enjoy your kid more, you’ll see how he/she is marrying, having kids…. I don’t know. I think you should have, till it’s not too late.

No. Do the right thing and enjoy your life lol.

I know that when I first wanted to have a child I was plagued by doubts that I would be able to handle it. I really think those people who think they have it “all down” have a harder time dealing with the reality of who that child really is.

After my ds1 was born, I soon came realize that the little bit I was sure of was crap and I needed to listen to my instincts. By the time #3 was born I thought I had it all sorted out. Boy oh boy I was wrong. He was completely different from the other two and out went my manual again.

Raising children is hard, but it is supposed to be hard. But it is also the most rewarding thing you can do. You get the chance to observe, guide and help a new human being. You get to see who that baby is going to be. IMNSHO, that is is an amazing thing.

I think you really could go either way. My perception is that you get it more than other people who do not have kids yet, that raising children is a lot of work, and not just dressing up little kids in cute clothes. So many people just go into having children idealizing the whole thing, totally naive. I really understand your dilemma, I have a similar quandry right now trying to decide to have children when I am very old, 42. I had always wanted children young, which did not work out for me, and now I am having trouble deciding if I want to have a 15 year old at the age of 58. Which brings me to my final point, if you think you want them, and you have a happy marriage, go for it now.

This is a huge decision to make, and I think it is perfectly natural for you to consider all of the details and ramifications of this decision. It’s also ok to be a little scared too. You are jumping into a completely new and different world and you don’t know what to expect. Can you adjust and handle it? Is what you would be leaving behind better? I think at the end of all the thinking and considering, if there is a voice inside of you saying that you WANT a baby, to raise, to teach, and to take care of. Yes, life would change. It would change like it did when you got married, you would be making another choice to dedicate yourself to another person forever. Yes, there is a lot of work in raising a child, but in my opinion, the effort is well worth it. Anything that is worth having or being requires hard work and dedication.

I think you should they are wonderful, you just have to treat them right.

If you have to ask, then the answer is no, you shouldn’t. Play with somebody else’s kids until you’re absolutely sure you’re ready.

Don’t do it! Forever is a very long time.