Just constantly say “that’s what she said”..that’s what I do…under my breath.

Um, I would not recommend provocative or impudent comments at a staff meeting. Unless you happen to be independently wealthy and can afford early retirement.

How many of the billions and billions of “somethings” would you like?

“For this memo that i am writing…, how do we spell redundance again?”

I’ll tell you. One time, we had this really long staff meeting. I think they were going over the annual report, and for some reason they had to read every damn section. So a boring staff meeting—pretty normal, right? It’s a time waster, but that’s what management wants. Lot’s of wasted time. Don’t they know there’s work to be done? No one else is going to do it!

Maybe it was something I ate at lunch. Maybe it was a bug. But all of a sudden I was really gassy. And it was smelly stuff, too. I tried to let it out as quietly as possible, but gradually you saw all these weird starings going on. People would look at one person and then another, and gradually they focused in on me. Even the boss was looking, but what could he do? It was his rule that no one was excused from such meetings, even to go to the loo, unless World War III was breaking out, and even then, it wasn’t clear. But farting? That clearly does not cross the threshold.

At least, not before then. The rest of my fellow employees knew what the deal was, and knew I couldn’t do anything about it. But my boss—well, it was his rule. He could change it.

Finally, he said, “Parker,” not that my name is Parker, but it sounds better than Wundy, “I believe I need that report you were working on on my desk at 9 am tomorrow. I think you better go and finish it.”

Thus was everyone else in the room spared my flatulance, and I was spared the meeting. Of course, there was no report to get in. It wasn’t my job to do reports and everyone knew it. But not one complained.

In the middle of the boss’s presentation on 4th quarter goals, jump up with a couple of your work pals onto to the conference table, link arms, start the high kicks and sing: “Oh, we’re the boys of the chorus; we hope you like our show! We know you’re rootin’ for us, but now we have to gooooo!” then jump off the table and do a chorus line out the door.

I just imagined Don Draper, Pete Campbell, et al doing this on Mad Men, and I LOLed.

@mrentropy Wow that many? Just one would have done i’m sure

Say: “Good news, boss. I’m not pregnant!”

@worriedguy I’ve actually heard this at work before!

get fucked!

“Hehe…‘staff’ meeting.”

I’m too drunk to deal with you guys.

@wundayatta In training, we had someone we was really rank, we sprayed air freshener, and knew who did it. Poor soul It was awful.

“Whoa, check out the gonzagas on that one!”

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
You assign me one more action item and I’m going to show you why I play with those WWF figurines…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
I can see your point but I still think you’re full of *hit.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of colleagues.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I’m visualizing placing duct tape over your mouth.

Wake me when it’s over.

After all, that what Cheney told Congress to do…that would be a staff meeting, would it not?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGd2ARIAZl0

Just….fall on the floor.

Ich wil den Klavierstein!

Play “Buzzword Bingo” and shout out loudly when you complete your card.

Every time the boss turns his/her back, fake a big yawn. Yawning is often contagious, particularly in a boring staff meeting, so the boss will likely catch a colleague in a real reciprocating yawn. See ya…...Gary/wtf

“Jesus, I’m so friggin’ horny!”

I GOTTA GO TO DA CAN!!!!

walk in late with a bagel tucked into your pants and loudly exclaim, “There’s no birthday party for me in here!”

@poofandmook “Hey bud! What’s your problem?”

LOL @poofandmook! (With or without cream cheese???)

Pick your nose.

@silverfly: “no problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.”

@Val123: None.

Make sure, firstly, that everyone at the meeting is drinking decaf:

”Listen, bitch, are you for real???!!?”

Goddamn it! Keep your fuckin’ voice down—some of us are trying to sleep.

“Since the lot of you aren’t the nattiest dressers then we are moving to uniform shirts and slacks. Women… no obvious thong underwear and a bra, yes please.”

Once, for no reason that I can think of, in a case manager meeting or some such, I did my best Foghorn Leghorn voice and I said “Fortunately, ah keep mah feathuhs numbuhed fuh just such an emuhgency.”
I was horrified, but fortunate in that several people just started laughing. I swear I didn’t mean to and had no idea it was going to come out of my mouth. I must have been drifting off into my own world or something….

@poofandmook “You Dick!”

@silverfly “You Jane!”

In the middle of the boss’s presentation on 4th quarter goals, jump up and yell, ”[Boss], you ignorant slut!”

Someone farting or burping loudly would be enough to make me laugh my head off.