Ok, I’ll tackle that.
“How comfortable do you feel on a first date?”
— Calls for a generalization to which the present experience either is or is not an exception. Whether I say “generally pretty comfortable” or “generally pretty uncomfortable,” my response invites a still more probing question about my present level of comfort, asking for more than I may want to reveal so soon.
— Calls for an evaluation of the present instance in terms of a measure against a yardstick.
— Forces me either to commit myself at this very early stage to a degree of candor that might in itself make me uncomfortable or to utter a falsehood against character.
— In short, crowds me and puts me on the defensive. The question is intrusive and leads to a poor opinion of my date’s tact and judgment.
“What should I do on this, our first date, to make it likely we will date again?”
Silent answer in my head: Don’t ask me any more questions like the one you just asked me.
Spoken answer: Why don’t we see how this one goes before we start thinking about the future?
“What would you like me to notice about you that would make you feel comfortable in my company?”
Silent answer in my head: I would like you to notice me putting on my coat now and picking up my purse.
Spoken answer: How about if you notice my reluctance to answer searching questions like that one until we know each other a little better?
All three demand that I expose my private thoughts to a far greater degree than the initial stage of a social encounter should normally require. For instance, I may feel nervous, anxious, or simply attracted or unattracted, but I would prefer to keep my feelings private at this stage of things. They might be therapists’ queries, but they are not dates’ conversation. I don’t want to talk about the date at all. I want to find out if there is any common ground here that could be a foundation for a possible further relationship, or, barring that, if we could just have a pleasant evening. If I end up feeling like a specimen, it won’t be either one.
Chances of a second date: 30% tops.
This is not to say that someone else would necessarily respond so poorly. You asked me, so I’m answering. Someone who enjoys answering those questions will be a better match for this gentleman than I am.
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Be it also understood that it has been decades since I dated anyone and that in the case of the man I married, you could almost say we never “dated” at all.