How do I help myself out of this? (Details inside)
This might run a bit long, and I apologize for that in advance, but I really need to express myself about my issue as clearly as possible in order to get the best advice.
So I’ve recently realized and am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I suffer from major relationship anxiety. I’ve always been very calm and laid-back and things never got me down easily – I rolled with the punches. That is, until I fell in love about 6 months ago. My boyfriend and I were good friends for about 7 months before we admitted our feelings to each other and let anything romantic happen. Unfortunately, the night we took that step was before the day I was moving hundreds of miles away. We’ve kept in touch through email, text messages, phone calls, and video-chatting, and despite the distance our relationship has grown tremendously. However, this is my very first serious relationship (long story short, I always had miles-thick walls up and this is the first time I’ve let someone break them down and the first time I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved) and to make matters worse, it’s long distance. I’ve gone back to visit him 3 times since it all started in January and each time was better than the last, but unfortunately neither of us is established yet and we don’t have the financial wherewithal to travel as often as we’d like to in order to see each other (not only do we have to worry about flight costs, but we also have to worry about lodging because neither of us lives in our respective hometowns and we’re both staying with friends while we search for jobs/try to start a career).
The issue is, even though he’s a great boyfriend and I can tell that he genuinely loves and wants to be with me, I can’t seem to put my mind at ease and find myself in constant need for reassurance, even though he gives me that whenever we talk/text without me asking for it. My insecurities keep getting the best of me and I’ve actually broken up with him 3 times in the past 6 months (the most recent break-up was less than a week ago, and each time it was for less than a day because I end up realizing that I’m being unfair and very hurtful towards him, and that I’d much rather be anxious than not have him in my life), just because I can’t handle my own insecurities and find it easier to run away than to live in constant fear of losing him. He doesn’t know the actual reason I broke up with him (my insecurities) and I didn’t even know it myself until recently, but each time I made it about something silly that I never even imagined could bother me (he took “too long” to reply to an email or text, or he forgot to call me back when he said he would – stupid little things like that). I try so hard to not let my insecurities show that it’s becoming really draining!! I don’t want to push him away because he’s such a great boyfriend and everything I’ve ever asked for and I cannot imagine my life without him, and yet I can’t seem to relax.
It doesn’t help that I’ve had so much free time in my hands these past 6 months – my mind has gone into overdrive with overthinking and overanalyzing every single detail of our conversations, looking for red flags and sings that he’s going to leave me. I don’t know what’s gotten into me! I’ve always been such an independent person and never felt the need to rely on anyone for anything, especially not for my happiness, and now I’m a constant bundle of nerves and anxiety and cry almost every night because I feel suffocated by my thoughts and overall anxiety.
Can someone please tell me how to cope? I already know that keeping myself occupied is the best remedy, but I only know 1 person where I am (my best friend, with whom I’m staying) and she works all the time and goes to the gym after work, so by the time she gets home at night she’s really tired, which means I’m alone in her apartment for at least 2 thirds of the day every weekday. Plus, since I’m not working and have no income, I need to be a penny-pincher and can’t go anywhere because everything requires money in the Big Apple, and even for the free stuff, I would need to spend money on transportation. And on weekends, when she goes out with her friends, I can’t accompany them because I can’t afford it.
I’m driving myself crazy with my insecurities and don’t know what to do anymore. Every time he takes long to text me back, or doesn’t call, or whatever the case may be, I start imagining the worst and work myself into such a state of panic that I mentally start preparing myself for doom. I’m in dire need of help before I end up sabotaging my relationship with the only guy I’ve ever truly cared about! (Therapy is not an option right now – can’t afford it)
Thank you for reading all the way through, and sorry again that this is so long, but I really needed to let all of that out.
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