Okay, a guy was born with three testicles. He was scared women would feel them and shun him. He was so worried he went to the Dr to see about getting one removed. The Dr said the risks were too high and sent him home to think it over. He got in a cab totally devastated. The cabby noticed he was bummed and asked him why. He said to the cabby, “Between us we have five testicles”. The cabby looked in the mirror and said “You only have one?” Not a disease but a bummer still.

My buddy and I were at a bar one night drinking. A couple of real trashy girls started flirting with us. When they went to the bathroom, he says “They are hot for us, let’s get ‘em back to my van.”

I said “We are married dude. Our wives get chlamydia there will be awkward questions.”

He says “Chlamydia doesn’t exist. It is a whole conspiracy by housewives to keep us from cheating. Seriously, you were a scumbag in college. Did you get chlamydia?”

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought That’s so bad, but it made me smile.

Too all the jellies that used to respect me, sorry.

Oh come on peeps. We used to have a guy that helped out on the farm. He liked to go to the bars and find some ladies for a little action at night. When it hurt to pee, he would come to our farm and have my uncle shoot him in the ass with a big ole dose of cow penicillin.

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he’s never seen anything like it, but his penis will probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn’t know anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decides to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V.D.
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, “I know this disease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don’t do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!”

A guy at a baseball game was sitting next to a man with a terrible case of leprosy and his back was filled with pus and blood and all that…
well the guy beside him kept throwing up…
so the man with the disease said “I am sorry I know its me I will go”. The man looked at him and said “no its not you, you can stay”. The man with the disease said ok so he sat back down.
Later the man threw up again and the man with leprosy said “I will go I am sorry”. The other man said no its not you just stay its ok” so the man stayed.
Then like 10 min. the man threw up again and the man with the disease said ok enough I am gonna go now. The other man said no don’t go its not you just let me explain… It’s the guy behind me, he keeps dipping his chips in your back…

There’s nothing funny about a social disease. Why, I had a social disease once…. uh… never mind. Forget I said that. Seeing as it’s me, people will probably believe it.

I’m just kidding folks. It’s just for purposes of the story. Oh shit! Now they’ll think I’m protesting too much. I must be hiding something.

So give me a break. I mean really, what the hell are we talking about? What is a social disease, anyway? Is that like I go take a bath in Coloma’s tub and then she takes a bath and then she turns into a politician? And I start flirting with geese?

Yikes!

Oh come on! It wasn’t that bad, was it? Ok. Let’s just hope that humor is a social disease, and that a lot more people don’t have some kind of natural immunity to it, like I seem to.

Well, it was funny when I said it in my head. You just aren’t reading it with the right delivery. Trust me. It’s hysterical!

Wait, is social disease a euphemism for venereal disease? How come I’ve never heard that before?

I lost my job, I still don’t have my pay deposited yet, which should have been done by midnight, and also, it’s only a pay of one day and a half, so everything feels like bullshit to me. Lol.

But I have jokes, if that’s what we’re doing here.

So a guy’s in a bar, and he goes to the bathroom to reveal himself. As he’s peeing, he notices the guy besides him, who’s also pissing, but three streams are coming from his dick. The guy asks, what’s up with that?
The three stream guy goes, well, when I was a kid, I had an accident on a barbed wire fence…pierced my penis…it was badly damaged, but the doctors did what they could. Every time I pee now, there’s three streams coming out.

Later, the guy goes back to take another piss, and notices the man besides him, who has about ten streams of urine splashing into the urinal.

What’s up with that, he asks.

Well, when I was in the Navy, I had an accident with some shrapnel…pierced my penis…the doctors did what they could, except now when I pee, these ten streams are happenin’.

So the night goes on…the man goes yet again to pee. As he’s peeing, a drunk guy starts staggering towards the urinal, and like, 34 streams of piss start blasting away…so our man asks, so, what kind of accident did you get into?

Accident? Nah man…I just forgot to unzip my fly.

So this couple goes out to the ocean for a holiday…they rent a boat, because they want to go on a little cruise on the ocean. So they get in the back of a cute boat, and the captain takes them away on the water. It’s a nice, hot day…but suddenly, a vicious storm unexpectedly occurs…it’s violent, and destroys the boat. The captain and the couple manage to grab on to some busted boat parts, and float around in the raging ocean for a while…when the storm died, they eventually make it to some deserted island.

Husband; Well, looks like we’re stranded here…

Wife; Well, listen up guys…my husband has been fucking me every day ever since we were together. And just because we’re stranded, doesn’t mean it’s going to end here.

She looks at her husband and instructs…so, one day, you’re going to make love to me, and then…she looks at the captain…the next day, it’s your turn. And the day after, my husband again…and so on. You guys take turns fucking me every day. Got it?

The two men look at one another, and agree.

So a few days go by…one day, the wife gets fucked by her husband, then the next day, the captain has his turn, and it goes on like this for a while.

Soon enough though, the poor wife starts getting sick, and a few days later, she passes away. However, both men, by now, are used to having sex every second day…just because she died, it can’t end now. So they come to an agreement, although somehow reluctantly…well, one day I’ll take the lead, and the next day, it’s going to be your turn.

So as they agree, one day it’s the husband doin’ the deed, the next day, it’s the captain…but soon enough, when comes for the captain to take action…he draws back, a plaintive look on his face.

Come on, man! We can’t keep doing this! I don’t like it, it’s sick!

The husband says…yeah, you’re right. Let’s bury her.

Happy Halloween yall lol

True story.
One of the guys in the prostate cancer support group had a horrific case and needed to have a lot of his bits removed. Testicles, bladder sphincter, prostate… Awful. Nothing worked. He had total incontinence and ED. But fortunately, modern science can fix it.
He had an artificial sphincter installed with bulb in his scrotum to open and close the device so he could urinate. He also had an internal penis pump that was activated by another ball in the scrotum so he could maintain an erection.. How did he tell them apart?
In magic marker he wrote on his abdomen: “Come and Go”.

Fortunately they did not remove his humor gland.

I’ve got nothing, politicals are killing me this week, but thanks for all the jokes, it was a nice little break reading them. :)

WARNING! CIRCUMCISION JOKE (anyone offended, my sympathies)

(I originally heard this in a Chicago suburb)

A man who had recently converted to Orthodox Judaism (and therefore recently circumcised) went to a baseball game. At the seventh inning stretch, he went to the men’s room, took his place at the urinal and started peeing. The guy next to him starts talking to him, says: “Excuse me for asking, but are you Jewish?”
“Uh, yeah. Is it that obvious”?
”...and you’ve recently been converted and circumcised, right?”
“Yeah…and you know this how…?”
“And Rabbi Stein is the rabbi who circumcised you, right?”
“Again, you’re right. How do you know all this?”
“Well, I converted a year ago, Rabbi Stein did my circumcision. He always circumcises on a 45 degree angle, and you’re pissing on my shoe!”