Seems like she should have said something 25 years ago. Basically she was lying to him for 2½ decades.

If she lied about this, what else did she lie about?

I have great sympathy for the guy.

Your characterization left out that she got so frustrated she “lost it”, telling him off.
Certainly she is at fault for letting this go for so long. She also shouldn’t have “lost it”.
She should have nipped it in the bud by asking for the receipts long ago, so she could find something she likes.

I don’t buy my wife jewelry or clothes. I find it arrogant to think I know what her tastes are.

She may have tried to say something years ago only to get the same reaction.
Maybe she thought the easiest, less stressful way, to avoid the shouting, was just to say “Thanks.”

I think her letter reads like she’s assuming he might read it or recognize himself if it was published, and he’s a bully.

I find it pretty funny that there’s a Kay Jewelers ad at the end of Abbys advice!

He should maybe get his head out of his ass and let her select her own jewelry. Take her shopping for it maybe and if she likes it get it, but let her pick out what she wants. And that way there are no issues. Or just give her the credit card on Valentine’s or her Birthday and tell her break a leg. Just try not to break the bank. Always worked for me.

And I always get a chuckle out of people who claim to be “soul mates” then start in on the he did this /
she did that. If they’re that connected, then I would assume that after 28 years they would have a good handle on each other likes and dislikes. And try to accommodate as much as possible. What’s more important, your supposed “soul mate”, or a damn trinket?

My ex once decided I liked opals. No clue where he came up with that idea, but he kept buying opal jewelery. Finally I asked him why and he said “Because you like opals!”
I said “Well, I don’t hate opals. I’m just neutral about them. Plus I don’t wear a lot of jewelery, you know.”
He went into a sulk that turned almost violent.
I never questioned his gift choices for me again. I didn’t want to get beat up.

Sad. Why the hell can’t guys do things my way : ) Find out what their lady LIKES, make mental notes if nothing else. She’s watching TV sees an ad about, I don’t know a sterling silver bracelet. “Oh I love that!” Ok Sparky surprise her with it, or something similar. She’s happy, you’re happy, you don’t feel like a flat tire. Problem solved.

@Nomore_lockout and the flip side is also easy. If I ask and you don’t tell me, then don’t complain if I don’t do what you want.

What if we’re scared to tell you @elbanditoroso? Not YOU but a lot of guys are defensive over the smallest things.

Dutchy has a valid point, methinks.

She should have been honest with him once she started noticing a pattern of the jewelry style she was receiving. I definitely didn’t get the impression that he would have become violent, just sort of petulant. It would also behoove her to ‘drop hints’ when a holiday or birthday was coming up. On the flip side, it would have been a good idea for him to say, where she can hear him, like in the same room, something like, “Somebody’s birthday is coming up soon. Hmmm…I wonder what she’d like as a gift.”

It’s a two-way street.

If I understand correctly she finally tells him after many years she doesn’t like the jewelry he chooses and then AFTER having told him he still buys her another piece of jewelry. That’s when she lost it.

I think they are both a piece of work. She should have said something years ago, but usually you do have to tip toe around it with men, you have to word it just right. Maybe she could have told him a few pieces of jewelry she wanted or something in lieu of jewelry. Would he have listened? No idea. He didn’t listen when she explained why she doesn’t wear any of the jewelry.

My guess is he feels she’s ungrateful, and she feels he is clueless, wasteful, and doesn’t listen. Maybe his dad used to buy jewelry for his mom and she loved it and so that’s his model.

The whole thing is ridiculous, but I do know people that have this sort of thing in their relationship concerning gifts.

I can understand his anger if it comes from her not being honest with him and letting him spend untold dollars on stuff she doesn’t like. She is the one at fault here, in my opinion. Married people should always be up front with each other.

My question how can he be so obtuse that he never noticed she never wore the jewelry?

The guy does the same thing with vacations. He seems to be very self-centered in an odd kind of way. He has made a habit of doing things his way and he doesn’t want to change. He is more focused on how he feels about doing things with or for her, than her preferences, how she experiences the gifts and vacations.

We only have her side of the story. It would be interesting to see what he would write to Dear Abby.

I think Abby hit it right on the head. He has an attitude that it is his way first and always. This attitude has bothered her for decades but she never said anything to him. In his mind, what he is doing is perfectly okay. When she finally did say something the conversation didn’t really go anywhere and then she blew up.

The better way to handle it would have been, with the very first piece of jewelry she didn’t like, tell him thanks but it isn’t a style you really like. Then show him what you DO like. Then if he still doesn’t get it and insists on his type of jewelry, you can revive the discussion or just say thank you and continue putting it into the closet.

You ever see a man baby throw a temper tantrum at the slightest whiff of disapproval or rejection @seawulf575? It can be terrifying.
I have no doubt that the woman has dealt with it in the past and has figured out a way to keep the peace, albeit passive/aggressively, in many areas of her life.
It sucks but it’s better than being threatened and screamed at.

@Dutchess_III I have indeed seen that. I have likewise seen women do the same thing. But the fact remains, the longer you let a behavior go on without addressing it, the harder it will be to break. And if the guy (or girl) is so domineering that (s)he can’t take a little criticism without throwing a temper tantrum, maybe they aren’t the right person for you. Time to revisit your life to make some tougher decisions.

No shit. That’s why I divorced him. But not until after 10 years of desperately trying to keep the peace so my kids wouldn’t have to witness his man baby tantrums.

I just posted this on facebook:

I used to have a daycare. People mostly paid by check. I only had a problem with a check bouncing one time.
So I called the mom and told her the check didn’t clear and asked her to pay me in cash.
Dad shows up at my door, absolutely livid.
He snarled “We have to pay you in cash now? Are you trying to say our checks are no good!!!????”
Boy he was pissed.
Kind of speechless I said “The last check you gave me came back. So I need cash for that check. You can still pay by check after that.” (After I called their bank to make sure it would clear.)
Oh man, was he angry!!! “So you’re saying our checks are no good!!!”
He threw the money at me and stormed off.
It was weird.

Classic case of (unfortunately) having to have dealing with John. Q. Pubic Hair, uh, I mean John Q. Public.

Better to get something tht she can wear as my ex would get me fishing rods and only things that he really wanted.
Divorced him..his gift after 11 years of this selfish behavior.

It’s not a male or female thing. Some people are just selfish and don’t treat others very well. As far as the Abby story I don’t see enough information to pass judgement. Sounds like the guy was being selfish (particularly with the vacations) but we did not get to hear his side. It’s not rare for one partner to complain to people about their partner being “selfish” when it’s actually the other way around. One side of the story is not enough. Either way a communication breakdown was at play here.

I agree it isn’t just a main problem. My husband used to have a woman boss. For some odd reason she invited us to her father’s birthday party. She was so excited about the present she got him! It turned out to be a pair of pants that fit her!

Now, tell me which one is weirder? The weird guy in the ask Abby question (unfortunately not an unusual situation), or my husband’s former lady boss? (I think the lady boss was definitely right up there on the weird scale).