I think we can be a little too concerned with identification with our shortcomings such as fear and that causes us to focus in a peculiar way on odd things like the exact terminology of our shortcomings. Am I skinny, underweight or do I have a high metabolism. This us shuffling about trying to find a comfortable spot in our psyche concerning self knowledge. Where as if we look at it without words, it’s just fear and insecurity whatever manifestation it may take.
I have always been very afraid of heights from childhood. I remember climbing a ladder to get onto the roof and not being able to come down. My father helped me and I eventually got down very nervously. I remember a very early childhood nightmare of being on a balcony with no barrier and the sensation of horror of how unsafe it was. My father also has an unshakable fear of heights so it may be hereditary to some extent.
In my adult years I had a few jobs which required me to face that fear. And although I did out of necessity and although it did help, it didn’t eradicate it. And I had nightmares as an adult about those jobs. Climbing three or four story scaffolds with no harness and nothing behind or under me. Climbing precarious unsafe ladders onto steep roofs carrying things. This year I has to climb one to the second story on an inclined floor to remove a birds nest at a church. I struggled greatly but decided it had to be done for the sake of my job. I dropped it and the two chicks inside died. I realized that it was because of my fear of falling which was real but not insurmountable. I still feel guilty about it seeing the pigeon afterwards looking frantically for her baby pigeons. It was unreal. I didn’t know birds were like that. It carried on for I think an hour in frantic confusion. If I could do it over I would have decided to either not do it or to commit to facing my fear and use both hands or climb one or two steps higher and assume the real risk of falling.
I just simply am afraid of heights, no matter how many times I’ve climbed ladders or scaffolds or walked on roof trusses or climbed trees. It’s still very much there and being tall and not very athletic or well balanced doesn’t help either. I still even get very apprehensive just standing very safely and looking out the window of a tall building or over the balcony. I can’t control the invasive thoughts but can observe it more than when I was younger and be ok with it more.
Not everyone is meant to be a fireman. And I’m not a fireman and never should be. I have other strong points. I accept my shortcomings and recognize that accepting and acknowledging them would help me to make better decisions. If I had made a better decision I wouldn’t have half assed it and killed that pigeons chicks. A month later I walked passed the church and saw a rather large, even overweight man very casually standing on a similar ladder in the very same spot where I had been painting the gutter. I looked at it and couldn’t fathom how I could do something so dangerous with such ease. It looked very dangerous and I believe it truly was but he didn’t seem at all affected. Yet myself and my boss and the guy who I was filling in for at the time all would not be able to do what this large man was doing because we are all scared of that kind of height situation. My boss worse than me. So it made me see there are just some innate differences in all of us. What’s important is knowing and accepting the knowledge of yourself. Overcoming it is a different matter which comes after if it’s necessary. For me overcoming my fear of heights isn’t necessary right now and I hope it wont ever be in future because I’ve had enough of trying to overcome it. I believe that if I really needed to I could based on what I know about myself.
Also balance seems to be a big part of it too.