I can say no. Sometimes it is hard, and I still sometimes find myself doing things I don’t want to do, but usually I can say no if I want to. I don’t feel compelled to always explain. On the receiving end of an explanation it often sounds like a lie, probably because it often is. If I have a good relationship with someone, a trusting one, and they can’t help, or make a date, or whatever, I don’t need to know why. They come through all the time and don’t one time in twenty? They don’t have to explain to me. People who are planning their lie tend to spew out lots of details that were never asked. Usual sign of a liar. Can be a sign of someone guilt ridden I guess who isn’t lying also.
Luckily, in my family there was not tons of obligations, so we didn’t make up a lot of things to get out of them. My parents did not over volunteer themselves and they genuinely liked going to social gatherings. I remember we used to go to Thanksgiving every year at my grandmothers, and the third year we were living out of state was the second time the drive home was horrific. Horrible icy roads. Travel took 8 hours for a 5 hours trip with us little kids in the car and that third trip traffic had come to a dead stop on the highway because a little car, similar to a Miata had slid on ice into the truck in front, and the top of the car was gone and the driver and passanger decapitated. Never again did we travel when the travelling was difficult and unreasonable for a holiday. I think everyone understood and was ok seeing us other times of the year. I do that sort of thing a lot I think. I might say no, but try to find a compromise that is a better option for myself, and hopefully the other person is not too dissappointed. Like my father wants to travel with my husband I. When my parents decided to take an Alaskan cruise I thought that would work out ok, so I asked to go on that trip with them, but other trips he has proposed sound problematic and I have said no. My father is probably the most difficult to say no to. It seems he puts a lot of value on our relationship and it can be a burden for me. Knowing I might hurt him does weigh heavily. Sometimes just being able to stop a conversation with him because it is upsetting to me is extremely difficult, I feel like I sacrifice myself. I do it less now, but still do it. It’s like being run over by a truck at times.
I never do what you call a silent no, at least not intentionally. It wasn’t until adulthood that realized people do that sort of thing. Change a topic if they don’t want to answer a question directly asked them, or pretend like they did not hear the other person, or say they will explain later and don’t. All those are the same to me and are passive aggressive I think, but I kind of have more understanding for it now than I did when I first encountered it.