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Call_Me_Jay's avatar

Is it ethical to bring a friend to a funeral to introduce her to potential suitors?

Asked by Call_Me_Jay (13846points) 3 months ago
21 responses
“Great Question” (5points)

I have a friend who is single, beautiful, intelligent and funny. Of course I am in love with her.

She is a war refugee, with poor English skills and living below her intellectual potential. She was an accountant in the old country, now working in a warehouse.

I am so in love with her that I don’t want a romantic relationship. She needs financial security I cannot provide. Not even close. I am happy to have a brotherly relationship. Maybe avuncular, as she is 45 and I am 60.

A friend of mine died recently, and all my close and almost-close friends will be attending the funeral. It is a decidedly upper-middle-class crowd. Lawyers, bankers, architects & their families/entourages.

She knows none of these people. Would it be appropriate to bring her as a “date” for the purpose of introducing her to my circle of friends?

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ragingloli's avatar

Honestly, this sounds extremely creepy and patronising.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Could you have a cocktail party for all these people and invite them?

The idea of going to a funeral to meet potential mates sounds a little odd, but it doesn’t sound horrific to me. If you’re inviting her to meet a man whose wife just died, that’s reprehensible, but that’s not what you’re doing from what I can understand.

Call_Me_Jay's avatar

@ragingloli Honestly, this sounds extremely creepy and patronising

Conceded. I’m scheming on a friend, in hopes I can help her. White knight syndrome. I will admit to being patronizing. But I still want to introduce my friend to new people.

@Hawaii_Jake Could you have a cocktail party for all these people and invite them?

That’s smarter, but I don’t have the money or space for it. Like I wrote, I am too poor for this relationship. My friends are all upper middle class, I’m their fun/erudite companion.

smudges's avatar

I see nothing wrong with it. People going to weddings are often looking for a romantic interest. I assume you won’t be telling her or anyone else about your reasoning. I say go for it and I wish her luck whatever happens.

Call_Me_Jay's avatar

If you’re inviting her to meet a man whose wife just died

Not inviting her to meet any particular person. I want to widen her social circle. I want to foster networking. She is an educated professional limited by language.

My great-grandfather was an educated man who immigrated to the USA and worked as a janitor til he died. It took 2 generations to get someone to college. My friend can short circuit that path.

filmfann's avatar

I wouldn’t, but that’s me and my family. Yours may react differently than mine.

JLeslie's avatar

I think what is weird is to bring a friend to a funeral in the first place. The meeting the friends doesn’t bother me so much, except to say I think people tend to be more reserved at funerals and it is not a good environment for first meetings and might be very counterproductive to what you want to achieve.

I think it would be better to invite people over or to meet somewhere for coffee or drinks.

Poseidon's avatar

Although I certainly accept that you want to help your ‘friend’ find someone who she can love and who will care for her but to take her to a funeral in order to try to basically ‘pair’ her off with someone is totally inappropriate.

I am sure those who are attending the funeral to say their farewells to their friend and loved one will not be on the look out for a loving partner.

There are plenty of occasions where you can introduce your friend to people you believe may be be happy to meet and even possibly fall in love with lady. Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, and many other times, but NOT at a funerals.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I like that you are thinking of ways to help. But this one does not seem productive. People don’t casually bring a friend to a funeral. The other attendees would assume she is your date and would consider her off limits. Unless you know someone like Quagmire.
Can both of you enroll in a class of some sort (exercise, ceramics, painting, etc.) so you can widen her circle of acquaintances? Worst case, you’d both learn something, Best case, she’d meet someone.

elbanditoroso's avatar

How does she feel about it? I agree with @LuckyGuy – it’s a really long shot.

How will you explain her to other guests?

On the other hand, this is the year 2024. The world has changed. What is there to lose?

chyna's avatar

I had a guy ask me out at a funeral. It felt wrong and a bit weird.

elbanditoroso's avatar

On further thought, the potential suitor (if found) could easily grab a couple of flowers from the floral arrangements at the church or the burial, and give them to your friend as a welcoming gesture. And he wouldn’t be out any money for the flowers.

[Side note: I recall there was a movie in the 1980s with this as the theme – guys go to funerals (where they didn’t know the decedent) and try to pick up girls. It was a comedy (duh). But I don’t remember the title.

Dutchess_III's avatar

As long as you don’t make it obvious, and let the chips fall where they may, I don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s not illegal, or even immoral, to meet your future love at a funeral, or anywhere else. I never dreamed I’d meet my life partner at a mower repair shop.

Call_Me_Jay's avatar

After reading the above comments, I agree it’s a very bad idea. It would be awkward to dropped into a funeral where you know nothing about the deceased, the other attendees and all the relationships among them. The event is focused on reaffirming existing bonds, not cruising for new friends.

I will look for an opportunity to meet the same crowd in a party or dining setting were goal is chit chatting with old and new friends.

Forever_Free's avatar

Far from the right place to play Matchmaker.

filmfann's avatar

I was dating my wife when my Dad died. I hadn’t introduced her to most of my family, though she had met my Dad. I just felt I couldn’t support my Mom and my siblings, plus deal with my own feelings, with her in tow.

kruger_d's avatar

Given your stated attachment, I find it inappropriate to involve yourself in match-marking in any venue.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I stand corrected.

Dutchess_III's avatar

My version would only apply if she had a valid, natural reason for being there, which it doesn’t sound like she does.

Call_Me_Jay's avatar

Thank you my Fluther friends, for diverting me from an awkward and unhealthy plan!!

mazingerz88's avatar

Years ago, I helped a lady friend who lacked English language skills in finding a date on EHarmony. She paid for the fee.

I helped her finish
answering that ridiculously long questionnaire. We did not embellish. Except…I did write for her the answers to questions like…what are you looking for in a partner? Those kind of questions with her approval.

I also asked her to change her profile pic from a photo of her in a benign pose to one that looked attractive to me.

Right after she posted that photo, there were at least six guys who asked her for a date.

A year later she married one of those guys. Far as I know they’re still together. Happily.

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